Still Waiting
I wrote about our van woes a few days ago and just wanted to post a quick update. It appears the dealership (not the one where we purchased the car, but the one who did the inspection) might possibly purchase our van from us. Either that, or it sounds like they may foot the bill for a new transmission. They said it’d take a couple of days to give us the final word. Luckily, we couldn’t be dealing with a better dealership. Once everything is said and done, I’ll be happy to pass the name of the company along. For now, we continue to wait. I have access to a car as soon as we drive up and get the free loaner they’ve offered. Sweet! I’ve been home for three days now and am feeling just.a.little.crazy. Anyway, more on this soon.
A Kitchen for My Boy
I got online tonight (the night I vowed I’d get to bed by nine, of course) and googled fun things to do with toddlers at home. I found this kitchen idea and was instantly inspired. Luckily, I had everything I needed to get started. I used a gift bag for the burners and brown and black construction paper for the tops and front. As I talked to a friend while working on the project, I mentioned what I was up to and she said she had a box full of small kitchen things I could borrow. Michael picked them up on his way home (not shown) and yippee for things like an egg container and a mini frying pan, play boxes of food and plastic cupcakes. I have star stickers out for him to decorate with… All I need to do is cut in a door. I think that’s part of the fun – opening and closing the doors. I can’t wait for morning! It’s like Christmas. No joke. Some friends of ours have a play kitchen and every time we’re over there, Jude plays with nothing else. Best of all? Didn’t cost me one penny and I didn’t have to leave the house. Here’s to hours of fun.
Little Boy Jude
Jude playing with a sink full of water while I bake...
Chasing the peacock at the zoo.
Cartin' Ben around the back yard
Sweet Baby Ben
Happy boy
Yes! One of my children will fall asleep on my shoulder! I love it.
Ben and his Grandpa Phil
Six months old already!
God’s Purpose in our Troubles
Here’s a great link to a post Justin Taylor wrote on his blog Between Two Worlds titled Packer on God’s Purposes in Our Troubles. Michael sent it to me the other day after a semi-freak out over the van situation. Our van is still in the shop and the diagnosis is bleak. A new transmission? On a 73,000 mile car? Really? An arm and a leg is what that’ll cost us, hence my worries and woes over this most recent disruption. Yet during the midst of my anxiety, I remembered that God tells us to “not be anxious” and he tells us this because we have a natural proclivity to do it. And he tells us this because he knows it will get us nowhere. And he tells us this because there are more important things to do and think about than worry. True. All true. What if the van breaking down is just another way for God to make something of me that I currently am not? John Piper wrote an awesome book called Don’t Waste Your Life. My husband said to me the other day, “Don’t waste your blown up transmission.” In light of the gospel, by bringing all things back to the cross and why I live in the first place, a blown up transmission is an awesome thing. Why? This week I have been able to practice and learn about: patience, not finding comfort in my savings account, being gracious (to my husband, the mechanics, and the car dealership), trust, and counting all things joy. A blown up transmission is simply a way for God to show me himself, as are all things He providentially does in my life. Packer writes:
We may be frankly bewildered at things that happen to us, but God knows exactly what he is doing, and what he is after, in his handling of our affairs. Always, and in everything, he is wise: we shall see that hereafter, even where we never saw it here. . . . Meanwhile, we ought not to hesitate to trust his wisdom, even when he leaves us in the dark.
I don’t want to waste annoyances or disturbances or catastrophes (not that this is one of those). And honestly, I hope to get to the point where I can laugh at the onset of troubles and watch expectantly for God to work on my heart. I hope to skip the worry and revel in His wisdom. Yes, worry is a natural human emotion. But it’s also a complete waste of time. So, here’s to a blown up transmission, and all that ensues.
Ever-Looming Guilt
What is the deal? Please, tell me, does anyone else have this problem? I wake up early, with the kids of course, with a heart and head full of expectation for my day. I’ll play with Jude. Sing to Ben. Dance. Be silly. I’ll keep my house clean, read a bit, maybe chat with a friend. But through the course of the day, guilt sinks in. I’m washing the dishes as my son plays with his trucks. Should I be playing with him? I’m folding diapers while Jude reads a book. Should I be reading to him? We go run errands, return some things, basically just needing to get out of the house. My thought? Should we be going to the park instead? Does going to Target really constitute “getting out of the house”? A good friend of mine has said, “First you work, then you play.” I want my kids to learn this. Yet there’s this constant tug to play with them, always. Like I should. This is totally unrealistic. I know this. So why do continue feeling guilty about how I’m spending my day with my kids? Another question: Why do I always feel like I need to get out? Like we should be exploring at some point during every day. This is unrealistic, too.
Anyway, food for thought, I guess.
What a Day, What a Day
Wow. My “quick” trip to the mechanic today took a lovely four hours…and I didn’t even get to bring my van home. Thankfully, it shuddered and died and did its thing while the mechanic was driving it and my boys and I were safely up the street. Thankfully, I wasn’t hurtling down the highway when it did this. Thankfully, I laughed when I noticed my van parked in the middle of the street with the hazards on and my mechanic running up the hill to the shop. Thankfully, the dealership gave me a loaner car until my van is fixed – free of charge! (We didn’t even buy our van there! You need a good mechanic? You let me know. I’ll tell you exactly where to take your vehicle.) Thankfully, we have money in savings to pay for a new transmission, if that is what it comes to. And thankfully, I didn’t fly off the handle today. Thankfully, God has been working in my heart over the years and patience came easy. Laughter, too. Me, singing:
Praise to the Lord, the Almighty
The King of creation
O my soul, praise Him
For He is my health and salvation
All you who hear, now to His temple draw near
Praise Him in glad adoration
Blessed Humanity
A dear friend emailed me yesterday and mentioned that, by my blog, it seems all is well and smooth. For the most part, this is true – for now. There are always seasons. But to show a little of my humanity here, I’ll tell you about yesterday.
Yesterday started out great. I even blogged about it. (Blogging can be so silly…yet here I write, again.) As the day progressed though, I found myself consumed with…myself. I wasn’t getting anything done. I felt like I was failing as a mother. I didn’t want to play. I didn’t want to leave the house. I didn’t want to do a thing. Instead, I spent much of the day dwelling on my inadequacies. By the time Michael got home from work, I had unleashed. Jude was hungry and whining. Ben was teething and crying. I was ready to completely freak out. He sensed this immediately (and prepared for it, I’m sure, after reading the text I sent that said I’m about to freak out, I’m a horrible mother, and it included a short list of all that went wrong so far that day.) He came home, swooped in, got Jude out of the house, and left me home with Ben so I could recoup. Ben went down for his last nap and I sat at the kitchen table in silence. Sitting there, I thought, how in the world did I get to the freak out stage today? I feel terrible when I feel like I need a break. A break? Yes. Yesterday, I did.
I love being a mom. If you know me, you’ve heard me say that repeatedly. I truly do love it. But this dang human nature, my inherent sin nature, hinders loving them fully. It hinders me from loving my husband fully. Most importantly to recognize, it hinders me from loving Jesus fully. And when I lose sight of Him, I lose it.
I went out for coffee with a friend last night and was reminded of the hope I have in the Lord. One evening of freak out doesn’t mean I’m the kind of mom that freaks out, you know? I’m a sinner who needs the grace of Jesus to continue in love. To hope. To dream. To carry on. So I guess, when I write on this here outlet of mine, this blog for the world to see, my optimism comes from my hope in Him. I don’t naturally hope for the future. I don’t naturally do anything that brings me joy apart from Christ, though I sure love to write about the joy he brings and the love He’s given me.
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)
Finally, To Snuggle
Since he could, Jude has turned his body out whenever he was held. He’s never wrapped his arms around our necks (unless he was scared we’d leave him with unfamiliar people) or crawled up into our laps to be held. But recently, since he’s been sleeping in his big boy bed, he’ll let me lay down with him, read to him – and he’ll snuggle with me! For all you mama’s out there who have snuggly babies…lucky! I’m just now getting to do this with my first boy. I love it.
Change Comes Quick
My little peanut (or pork chop, as our doctor likes to call him) will be six months old this Saturday. Where in the heck did those six months go? In the course of these last six months I: 1) Gave birth three weeks early and delivered Ben despite my questioning the nurse at least three times whether this was a fluke and, Are you sure you aren’t going to send me home today?; 2) Spent five days in the PICU at Swedish Hospital with Ben while he was hooked up to a massive machine, hoping and waiting, hoping and waiting, constantly asking, Will today be the day he gets to eat?; 3) Barely two months later I was back at Swedish having an emergency appendectomy; 4) Spent the next two weeks unable to pick up Jude and thus was homebound; 5) Spent two more weeks recovering and moving v e r y s l o w l y; 6) Spent the next month packing up our apartment; 7) Moved to a new apartment; 8) Unpacked (and am still unpacking); 9) Went to my 10-year high school reunion; and 10) Took the boys on their first wild-west beach camping adventure. I see where six months have gone. They’ve gone by quickly because it’s been one thing after the next. Is this the life with children? I’ll take it. Despite the craziness, I see grace. Or maybe because of the craziness?
Now Jude will be two in a couple of months and I can hardly believe that either. Before I know it, I’ll be showing his girlfriend cute pictures of his naked little bum when he was toddling around. (I won’t be that mom, I won’t be that mom…) But really, he’s a new guy every day. He has so many words now. Like today, he said umbrella. Umbrella! The time has arrived when I really, really have to watch what I say because he can now say it too. This includes how I react to things, how I respond to things. He sees me talkin’ out my neck to my husband…well, I’m going to be pretty bummed if he catches on and disrespects his daddy as I have. He’s a sponge.
For both of them, as time has gone by so quickly, I realize how important it is. How all the small moments matter. Playing with Jude in the back yard matters. Teaching him to be grateful, matters. Loving my husband, matters. Loving people, matters. Being an example before my kids, really, truly matters. And bless their hearts, they bless me. What could be sweeter than an unexpected hug? Or a, “Hi mama,” from the backseat as I’m driving? Or finally finding Ben’s tickle spot so he laughs?
Change might come quick, but such is life. I can’t slow this train down. But I’m lovin’ it. Just lovin’ it.
